Mutual Confusion
by Kaleidoscope
Summary: [HBP SPOILER] Burdened by the guilt of causing Sirius's death, Tonks finds comfort in Remus. But when she decides life is too short for stupid reservations and intends to tell him how she feels, he kind of turns distant…
1. After the Battle

**_A/N: _**_I have finished reading Half Blood Prince. THAT SNAPE THINGY, I am scandalised! I__'ve always__ hate__d__ that old bat__, and obviously HBP doesn't change my view of him__Anyway, this is my first attempt at a romance story which doesn't involve Sirius, I really hope you would like it. _

**-****- CONTAINS HBP SPOILERS -****-**

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**1. After the ****Battle**

It was a beautiful night, perhaps Mars had been shining too bright for quite some time now, but that didn't do much to mar the view. Lively stars were hung high in the sky which was rid of mist and fog, and moonlight shone through the windows of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. However, Nymphadora Tonks couldn't help noticing Bellatrix the warrior star was sparkling far too brilliantly for her liking in lieu of the Dog Star.

She gave a little sob, opened yet another bottle of Firewhisky and poured the content into a crystal goblet shakily. Her sleeve was soaked in alcohol as she was shivering so poorly that she couldn't aim. When she gave another sob, she wiped the corner of her eyes with her sleeve, which should be too acidic to the delicate eyes, but she could feel no pain.

She brought the rim of the goblet to her lips and forced down the whisky, her eyelids closed tightly. She knew perfectly she was not much of a drinker, and this was exactly what made the alcohol appear so appealing. She coughed slightly and gazed up at the sky with her blurry sight. Hiccoughing again, her head staggered for a moment before it dropped into her arms on the table.

She had been sitting with her face hidden for quite some time, unfeeling and not thinking much, when she heard footsteps down the hall, growing louder and louder. The kitchen door was opened, and a few seconds later, she could feel the new comer sitting across her. A warm hand was stroking her hair that was no longer bubblegum pink soothingly.

"Nymphadora…"

Tonks recognised the voice despite her state. "Go away, Remus," she muttered, gesturing her hand dismissively without looking up.

"What're you doing here?"

Tonks gave a derisive laugh. "Drinking." She raised her goblet as though toasting.

"I see you've drunk quite enough," said Remus. He reached out, attempting to grab the goblet away from her, but she was far too quick for him. She finished the gobletful of Firewhisky in one single gulp and collapsed on the table again, a sob escaping from her.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Just leave me alone," she mumbled.

"No," said Remus firmly, "I can't leave you alone. Not in such a state. The least I could do for you is to keep you company."

"Your presence is annoying me," said Tonks harshly. "You don't even know what I am feeling right now."

"You are depressed, you feel devastated. I understand what you're feeling, Nymphadora," said Remus softly, but only so so that he could comfort her, "because I am also feeling the same. And Harry is probably wide awake at Hogwarts, staring at the ceiling, thinking of nothing but Sirius, tear-strained. But all these wouldn't be what Sirius's hoped to see."

Tonks jerked up her head in agitation, as though hearing Sirius's name had struck her frozen nerves. "You will never know what he has or hasn't hoped to see! He's my cousin. Who are you?" she said heatedly, tears gathering at the rims of her orbits. "And you won't understand my feeling. You just won't and don't pretend you can! Nobody can!"

There was silence when Remus fixed her in an intense stare. "Then tell me what you're feeling," he said, pacifying.

Tonks met his serene eyes for a brief moment before she resorted to hiding her face behind her palms. She took a few difficult breaths, and said with self-shamefulness. "I … I feel guilty for his death."

"What –?"said Remus, his expression exceptionally blank. It took him a few seconds to overcome the shock, then he shook his head incredulously. "Nymphadora, I don't know where on earth does that guilty feeling come from. What you've got to know is that there has been nothing that you could've done to prevent this from happening. I think –"

"Not good enough, Remus," Tonks interrupted, her voice begging him not to carry on. "Stop excusing me, _please_."

"No, you've got to listen. You didn't bring it forth. And there's really nothing you could –"

"Stop it! Okay?" Tonks practically yelled and swept the empty bottle and goblet onto the floor. Her head deep in her own embrace on the table again, her hands reached into her hair and ended up clutching it as if she wanted to pull it out. "There's a lot more that I should have done and could have done!" Her voice ceased to a whisper again. "For God's sake, I had been the one fighting Bellatrix before he did. I should have killed her outright, or at least I should have kept duelling with her instead of lying there moaning when the curse hit me. Then Sirius wouldn't have to come to my aid and ended up behind that damn veil!"

"It's a curse we're talking about, Nymphadora. You can't blame yourself for –"

"You don't understand. You haven't got the whole picture," said Tonks, still tugging her brownish hair incoherently. "Do you know the prime reason why my mother let me join the Order in the first place?" She looked up at Remus behind the tears. "It's because of Sirius … Sirius promised my mother he will ensure my safe-being … and protect me, no matter what. That's why he thought he's bound to save me. That's why he rushed to fight Bellatrix when I –"

"Sirius didn't rush to your side because of that promise," said Remus sharply, cutting her unfinished reasoning. "Even if he hadn't made that promise to your mother, he would still have fought Bellatrix. It's not in his characters to stay put when others are in danger. He would've done this to anyone before he let the enemies to advance on his friends!"

"Stop it, Remus," said Tonks in a strangled voice. "The harder you try to justify me, the more … convicted I just think I am. Just stop it."

"But all those that I've just said is the truth," said Remus, leaning forward on the table without breaking the eye contact as though to emphasise his sincerity. "I didn't just make them up to console you! You've to do yourself justice. Be fair."

"Be fair?" Tonks echoed. "The world has never been fair! I was the one duelling with Bellatrix. I should be the one falling through the veil!" She turned a sob into a hiccough, "I don't know how I could be so clumsy. If I had ducked the curse, or if –"

"That's enough!" said Remus impatiently and he sounded stern. "If you insist on putting it that way, we should all be held responsible for what happened! Take me for instance. Why didn't I warn Sirius against Kreacher though I find his behaviour odd? Why didn't I try to stop him from coming to the Ministry Headquarters with us? What was I doing when he fought Bellatrix? … Why wasn't I quick enough to fetch him before he ever fell through the veil?" His voice broke.

"There were a million possibilities of what could have been," Remus exhaled deeply, after a moment. "I know how it ended isn't the best among them. But much worst things might have happened! And either way, you should stop thinking of possibilities, because what happened had happened, there's no use grieving over something which cannot be remedied. Give it a rest!"

Tonks swallowed hard and was quiet except for her occasional sobs. "Tell me honestly, Remus," she asked again, she had the look of a lost child who needed someone to point out the directions for her. "Do you really think I am not to blame?"

"If anyone is to blame, it's Voldemort or Bellatrix," said Remus firmly, forcing a smile that only stayed a bare second.

Tonks nodded briefly.

Another silence descended upon the pair of them. Tonks had half hidden her face behind the palms again, but this time she did it to recompose herself. Deep down, she could feel the guilt was still there, and she highly doubted if she could ever get rid of it, but somehow Remus's declaration that she was not responsible for Sirius's death greatly calmed her down. And the tears stopped coming eventually.

For another long moment, Tonks sat there trying to empty her mind. Remus was right; Sirius wouldn't have wanted to see her like this. Blowing her nose on a tissue, she forced herself to straighten up in her seat. She wiped away the evaporating tears with her sleeve and looked up. Remus was still sitting across her but he was not looking at her anymore. Tonks observed his silhouette under the half moon shining in from the windows. The graying streaks in his once light-brown hair were now more pronounced than ever and he looked rather ill and exhausted in his shabby robes.

Tonks glanced at him as Remus gazed up at the sky, his countenance unreadable although she could see his eyes over-bright. Clearly Tonks wasn't the only one in the chamber that needed consolation.

"Remus," whispered Tonks, squeezing his hand slightly, she tried hard to ensure her voice was not shaky. "I'm sorry. I should've noticed you're just as depressed as I am, but I don't know what happened to me. I didn't even spare a single moment for you, instead, I just kept groaning myself."

"Don't apologise," said Remus shortly. The werewolf neither responded nor moved for a whole minute. "This kind of misery, I am used to it," he added.

Tonks looked at him difficultly, she didn't know what to say.

"Sometimes I think we were cursed from the days when we were born," Remus continued. He sat back in his chair and threw back his head, facing the ceiling, careful not to let the teardrops roll down. "All four of us were. I mean the Marauders … James was so gifted in magic, he should have been a great success if he had lived, but instead he died so young … Sirius was born into a family that he deeply loathes, he was brave enough to denounce the Blacks, but he spent 12 years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit. Then when things were brightening up, he …" Remus coughed, and threw his head further back.

"And there was Peter, who's always desperate to be protected. Now he is enslaved by Voldemort doing things that would probably haunt him at night… That serves him right, but still … Then there was me, a werewolf. I know I shouldn't complain. But it was cruel to be the one who survives."

Tonks clasped her hands around his more tightly. Suddenly, she felt disheartened to look at him, the glitters in his eyes reminded her he was just as vulnerable as anyone could be, yet he had to tough it out for others' sake. Throughout the whole night when Remus had been firm in freeing Tonks's guilt and misery, she should have known the depression he was feeling wouldn't be any less than hers. With Sirius gone, she still had her mother and father forever to back her up, but Remus? He had no one basically.

"Remus … I am sorry … I forgot …"

"You don't have to worry about me," said Remus in a voice hoarser than what he had wished. He squeezed her hands back appreciatively before withdrawing his. "15 years ago I lost everyone I cherished overnight. Deaths and betrayal. It had been a difficult time but I survived. There's nothing that I can't live through now. I have to fulfil what Sirius hasn't got the chance to and I guess I have to look after Harry."

Tonks opened her mouth to respond, but Remus was quick to cut her short. Inhaling deeply, it looked apparent that he wanted the depressing conversation to go no further. "You've to go home, Nymphadora. It's already three in the morning."

"I can't," she said weakly, more to herself than to anyone, and looked away. The dread of breaking the tragic news to her own mother was just too much. "I am not ready to face my mother. Not yet. That's why I come here."

"Andromeda has talked to me," he said, "She already knows, and she's worried about you."

"My mother knows?"

Remus nodded somberly, "It's all over the radio. And she agrees that nobody but Bellatrix should be responsible for it." He exhaled deeply; he could still remember Andromeda's shock when he told her it's her own sister who brought about Sirius's death. "Go home, Nymphadora. You won't want to add to your mother's misery. She's already got enough going on in her mind."

Tonks was quiet for a moment before she nodded, but the gesture brought a severe headache to her; the Firewhisky was finally at its full effect. "Damn the alcohol," she murmured under her breaths, slapping her hand to her forehead.

Remus looked up in alert. "Are you alright?"

"Just a bit dizzy." She grabbed the edge of the wooden table tightly and stood up, still faltering. Remus rushed over to her side and helped steady her. "I don't think you can Apparate in such a state. I will escort you back," he offered kindly.

Tonks nodded. Remus grabbed one of her arms with one hand and her shoulder with another. "So off we go."

Side by side, they walked out of 12 Grimmauld Place into the bath of moonlight. Both of them felt much less laden once they were outside. Remus seemed perfectly undisturbed by having to hold Tonks near him, in fact he looked grateful for any excuse to postpone going back to his cave of a home. But Tonks was having real trouble struggling within herself with Remus hugging her shoulders so protectively.

More to divert her own attention than anything, Tonks looked up at the sky again. The once most brilliant star was fading, appearing inconspicuous all of a sudden. She couldn't help thinking perhaps there was something that Sirius really wanted to do but had never got the chance to, and she wondered if there was, what it would be.

With her guilt of indirectly causing Sirius's death ceasing, Tonks now realised she should learn a thing or two from the tragedy. Life was just too short to delay whatever the heart desired to do just because of some stupid fears and reservations. Look at Sirius, one moment he was still alive, battling, more energetic than ever, and next moment, he fell through the veil, dead. And it was exactly Sirius who told her to go for it when she confessed her feelings just a few days ago.

In complete muteness, Tonks and Remus arrived at the doorsteps to her parents' house. She could feel Remus's grip loosen a bit, possibly expecting her to take out the keys. She clenched her fists unconsciously, battling internally whether to confess or not.

"Remus," she began in an uncharacteristic tone that sounded foreign to herself, her stomach tightening into knots. "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a while now…"

She took a nervous peek at Remus, their eyes met fully for a split second, but he instantaneously looked away.

"Go in," said Remus, running his hand all over his face distractedly. "You need a nice long rest."

Perhaps her affection for him hadn't been as secretive as she thought after all. Maybe she should have taken that as a sign of rejection, but she just couldn't push it to the back of her mind.

"I –"

Remus interrupted her by holding up a hand, looking sideward with fatigue. "Next time, Nymphadora. It has been a really long night."

Tonks nodded, maybe it wasn't a great time to make a confession. But she remained staring at the side of his face, though not remotely unapproachable, his talkative feature seemed to have left him. And he had turned distant all of a sudden. She was under the impression that he was intentionally trying to stop her saying whatever she wanted to.

"Goodnight, Remus," she managed to say as she opened the door with the keys.

"'Night," said Remus, and closed the door for her as though he wanted her to disappear from his view immediately.

Tonks stood staring at the back of the door. She tried to laugh it off, she really did. But to her horror, she found the tears that had disappeared were rushing back.

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**_A/N:_**_Like it? Hate it? Either way__, **PLEASE**** REVIEWWWW!** Criticism or not, I welcome any honest comment! _


	2. The Confession

_A/N: Thank you for all those lovely reviews! They certainly motivated me a lot. So…here you go…Tonks's confession -_

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**2. The Confession (July 1996)**

Shielding his eyes from the dazzling sunlight with an arm, Remus Lupin rolled onto his side slowly, an excruciating sensation ensuing every little movement of his. It was _another _morning after his monthly transformation into a werewolf. However, though he had been taking regular regimen of the Wolfsbane Potion in the week preceding the full moon as he had for roughly three years, this transformation seemed to be much more intolerable than the last few ones.

He forced open one of his heavy eyes and glanced around, trying to figure out what made it any different from the other transformations monitored by the Wolfsbane Potion. He took in the shabby interior decorations of a house. Then he remembered it. And he closed his eyes again.

Perhaps Sirius's influence hadn't contributed much to further taming him into the harmless wolf he had transformed into once every of the past months. However, it was clearly without Sirius that his lycanthropy had become so unbearable. He touched his scraped arm slightly and a sudden surge of pain soared through his bones but he wasn't surprised. Because he had been scratching himself all night. Deep down, he knew that with the recent agony and persistent depression, the beast in his blood had been trying desperately to get out from his body and vent out his frustration for the first time in 3 years. And the lust for blood was so excessive that even the most powerful potion dedicated to domesticising werewolves wasn't strong enough to control him. Remus felt a chilly shiver in his veins just thinking of it.

Wanting nothing but a mind rid of realistic thoughts, he rolled onto his other side intending to continue his sleep, just when someone knocked on the front door. The knock put him immediately on alert. His house was located on the most unreachable peak in the mountains as a mean of isolation of him from other people during his transformations. And who would be calling at such an early time in the morning?

Remus grabbed his wand from the bedside table and staggered to the door. He pressed his ear to the wood. "Who is it?" he demanded.

"It's Tonks," the visitor answered.

Leaving the security chain in place and clasping his hand tightly around his wand, he opened the door a few inches. It's as he was told, Tonks and she looked unfeigned. But it's dangerous to skip the authentication. "What's your Patronus?"

She hesitated and inhaled impatiently. For a moment, Remus met her grave eyes, and she seemed even more stressed than she had been when he last saw her. "Emmeline is dead," she sighed quietly.

He stared at her, horrified. It took a few seconds for his brain to click into gear again. He opened the door, took a step backward and let Tonks in. "What did you say?" he asked incredulously as he closed the door.

"Emmeline Vance was murdered, Remus," Tonks repeated, shaking her head as though she couldn't believe it too.

Remus grasped the doorknob tightly for support. He had only seen Emmeline Vance a few nights prior, and counting on Snape's information that Voldemort and his web were in complete turmoil with the best among them thrown in Azkaban, he had not expected a death of any Order member, not this soon.

"The Death Eaters killed her?"

Tonks nodded darkly. "Most likely they did."

"Is Dumbledore informed?"

"I went to him and informed all Order members by Patronus first thing I left Emmeline's house." Remus widened his eyes, perplexed. _Tonks__ had been to the house?_

"Her neighbours at Downing Street alerted the muggle police after finding her dead. The Ministry has got a monitor spying on the muggle police system concerning incidents that involve wizards and witches, and Rufus Scrimgeour sent me and Dawlish with numerous others to the scene. We arrived before the muggle policemen did and…" she swallowed, and shuddered as though a strong breeze had shot past her.

"And the scene was not a pretty one. No. It was… terrifying."

Tonks stared into space unseeingly as Remus knew images of the ruined house visualise in her mind, and rubbed her arms nervously with a woosh of epinephrine.

Despite he had warned himself constantly in the past week not to give Tonks any more unnecessary illusion, he swept her into his arms protectively without much thinking. "Cry if you want to," he whispered tentatively.

All at once Tonks buried her face in his chest, clutching the front of his night shirt and began to cry, releasing the frightened tears she had been holding back for the sake of maturity. "I wished I hadn't been sent there. It was _really _horrible. The walls were borne with handprints of blood… Furniture was torn… The house was like blown up. Emmeline had quite a violent fight with her attackers before she died… And it appeared that the violence didn't end there. We found her in mutilated pieces all over the house."

Something heavy landed on Remus's heart. Besides feeling extremely downhearted for Emmeline's ferocious end, he was also weighed by certain sympathy with Tonks. Although he understood by experiences that ultimately death always made one evolve, the transition from an innocent person to a realistic one was a big step that was real torturous. And it was utterly cruel for such a young, guileless person like her to have witnessed such bloodshed and seen deaths continually. Twice in a month was far more than one could bear.

He patted Tonks's back as she continued crying, and when she pulled away eventually, sniffing, he conjured a handkerchief and handed it to her. Tonks blew her nose and a few more sobs escaped her.

"Do you want some water?" asked Remus in a whisper.

Tonks shook her head, staring down at the floor behind the tears and breathing still heavily. "I just want to talk to you."

Remus stopped in his track of reaching out for the water bottle and he stayed motionless with his back to her, perturbed. He knew what was going to come and he knew clearly that it was bound to come sooner or later even if he kept weaselling out of it. In fact he was ready for it; he had made up his decision. Although he didn't consider it as the perfect moment to voice his answer as it would probably devastate Tonks, he also didn't think it a good idea to procrastinate the matter further. However doubtful he was of his own charisma, he was afraid Tonks would be stuck too deep in her little infatuation with him to be ever pulled out from it.

"If you must…" he said tranquilly. He kept his back to her, pouring out some water into a glass and drinking it himself.

He could hear her trying to swallow down her hiccoughs. He refilled his glass.

"Remus, I don't know when it had all started…" said Tonks, audibly confused and still depressed, stopping to blow her nose again. "I just knew I had been quite fond of you right from the beginning, though I never reckoned it was something more. I thought of you as a very intelligent fellow, like Kingsley. And then throughout the year, we've seen more and more of each other at Sirius's house… during the meetings… and dinners… I don't know what happened…"

She paused, her voice had been diminishing and she tried hard to remain heard. She coughed strangely and carried on with a louder voice. "I thought the feeling had sort of… intensified from there, I began looking forward to seeing you, both in the meetings or during dinnertimes. I tried to shut the feeling out. I really tried. But the harder I tried, the more I think of you. It's been growing out of control. And then I started doing silly things. I visited Sirius's house more often than the others did, just so I could have a glimpse of you… and I found excuses to go near you… I've figured out what these all meant for a month or two now, and I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't gather up the courage. And all the while the feeling is growing even more intense. It annoys me… and it scares me. I just have to spill it out to you…"

Tonks was silent for a moment. He could feel her eyes burning on his back but he didn't turn to face her. "Remus… I think I like you."

Remus put down the glass on the table besides him, his hands were getting so sweaty that it was only a matter of time before the glass slipped down. He leaned on the edge of the table and looked out from the windows at the sky for a moment before he turned around.

Tonks stared at him, it didn't take her long to realise he wasn't about to respond yet. "Remus, I told you I really like you. And what would you say?"

He dug his hands deep in the pockets and looked up; he didn't want to give Tonks the impression that he couldn't meet her in the eyes when he spoke. "I already know. Sirius told me."

Her swollen eyes widened in disbelief, then she looked at him expectantly over the furious red patches on her cheeks. But he said nothing. "What do you have to say, Remus?" she asked again nervously.

"Tonks, hands on heart, you're a beautiful and capable woman. And you're among the toughest I've ever seen…" Remus began quietly. But she looked as if she didn't care about those flattering words; she just wanted to hear the conclusion… his choice. "But I'll have to say I'm really sorry."

"Why?" Tonks blurted out. "Do you hate me?"

"No, of course I don't hate you," he said quickly, he didn't want her to think that she was not good enough for him. "I certainly like you. I'm very fond of you too. But in a way that an elder brother is fond of his sister. And to be honest, I've never thought of you in that context." He paused, hoping he hadn't sounded too harsh. "Nymphadora, I really hope we can still be friends."

Tonks looked up at him, for a while she looked as though she couldn't recognise him. She bit her lip, the tears that had disappeared was menacing to come again, he could tell she was struggling to keep calm. Her sad countenance was too much for him to look at, especially when he was partially responsible for causing it, that he had to look away. But no sooner had he turned to the window that he swivelled around again. Tonks was walking to him.

"Remus, can you at least give me a chance then?"

He was speechless for a moment as if caught offhanded.

"Although you don't like me in that way," Tonks said in her small voice, getting close to him, "Can you give us a try? Just give me a chance, and see if we can hit it off and make it nurture into something more, can you?"

He stared at her, trying to judge whether she was serious or not. It appeared she was. "I would've nodded my head if I think it's healthy for both of us. But sometimes these things are more intuitional than anything else. I don't want to waste your time."

"It won't be a waste of time," Tonks argued, her face darkening. "Look at what happened to Sirius. And look at what happened to Emmeline. We're at war, Remus! Save the Death Eaters, people out there are all in danger. Wizards and muggles, we all are. Can't you tell the Order members are all targeted? And if there's any people who You-know-who is determined to exterminate, it has got to be those whose identity has been revealed in the last battle. It's either Moody, Kingsley, you or me, or all of us –"

"Don't over-think it, Nymphadora."

She grabbed his wrists and forced direct eye contact with him, her eyes pleading. "You have to admit although we are on Dumbledore's side, You-know-who is at vantage now with the number of his followers growing by every minute. Our time maybe far shorter than we imagine –"

"I think you're rushing to make decision, just because it's war time, which you would otherwise not make," Remus intercepted, having weighed his words carefully.

"I'm not rushing to decisions," Tonks exclaimed while a crystal teardrop rolled down from the corner of her eye. Remus wasn't sure if it was out of agitation or misery. "I am just trying to make sure there's nothing I'd regret when I look back."

He glanced down at her; it seemed she wouldn't give up without a sound reason.

"But, Nymphadora, you're way too young for me," he said, instead of saying what he really meant to say – _Nymphadora__, I am way too old for you_. He met her intense glare unfalteringly, craving to force as much sincerity as possible into his face.

"I will act more maturely from now on," said Tonks immediately.

Remus exhaled. "You just don't understand it. There, look!" He lost his patience finally. He rolled up his sleeve to reveal a scratched arm, the blood on which was now dried but still perfectly visible. "I wounded myself last night, during the full moon. Can you imagine what happened? I have been drinking the Wolfsbane Potion for a whole week as I usually do when the full moon is about to come, but when the werewolf in me was too desperate to come out, even the best potion cannot keep me under complete control! Can you appreciate how dangerous I can be? How –"

"Remus, I don't mind –"

"It doesn't matter whether you mind or not. I mind, Nymphadora!" Remus was breathing heavily, he gave Tonks a look which verged on patronising, but she was still staring at him with a certain amount of hopefulness. He just had to crash it down. "And I'm not ready to baby-sit you!"

Tonks didn't look hysteric anymore; her expression was one of mingled insult and fury. Remus felt a lump in his throat just looking at her but his tone didn't soften. "I can't restrain you from liking me, that's your freedom. But I have to say you'll just be wasting your time because waiting doesn't work. I suggest you go find someone who's of your age, better and wealthier. It'll be better for both of us."

Remus could sense the atmosphere was turning dangerous, and for a whole minute Tonks kept her head bowed, staring dead downward. And he didn't look at her until he felt a teardrop hit his toe. "I am sorry to have disturbed you," she managed. "Maybe I shouldn't have come after all. Bye." She walked out of the house quickly, without so much as a backward glance at him.

Appalled by his own brutality, Remus strode to the door and listened to the _pop_ when she Disapparated. Leaning on the door, he ended up sliding down until he sat on the floor, more laden than he had been in the whole week. He wasn't sure if what he had just done would really be for the betterment of both of them, but he did know that he had cut her to the quick.

_Great job, Remus Lupin.__ More depression is exactly what the poor girl needs now, _he thought ironically.

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_A/N: I hope the Remus I portrayed doesn't appear too cruel, I just can't think of another way of writing the confession. Anyway, as always, _**PLEASE REVIEW!**_ I value every piece of honest comment!_


	3. Molly's Analysis

**Thanks _all_ reviewers, you're really nice!**_ (I am surprised that no one curses me, haha.) And thank you very much for suggestions. _:)_ Here's the answers to the questions you have raised:_

_**Sweet 16 Movie Buff** - (Thanks for all those lovely reviews you left for me:) Remus likes Tonks or not?__– At this stage, perhaps not really. I read an interview of J.K.Rowling's some time ago, in which the author said Remus Lupin has always carved to be loved but had seldom been loved. So I think it'll be interesting if he doesn't set out to love her but eventually fall in love with her. (Maybe Tonks's perseverance gradually softens his over-cautious attitude and then he comes round to appreciate Tonks's affection.) _

**_Kerichi _**_- Why Remus turns into a werewolf (in my last chapter) even though he has been taking the Wolfsbane Potion regularly in the week prior to full moon? – Because it's stated in the canon that he does. (POA18) The Wolfsbane Potion just helps the person keep his mind when he transforms. It doesn't mean he remains in his human form physically. Instead, he turns into a tame wolf and waits for the moon to wane again. In chapter 2, I wrote something about Remus scratching himself during the transformation, because I thought human mind and determination are always crucial to the effectiveness of magic. As Sirius is just gone, it's understandable that the werewolf Remus is keen to find an opportunity to vent out his suppressed frustration, thus his determination to stay put is fragile. And note that I only portrayed Remus as scratching himself but not biting, as when I wrote that part, I imagined him to be half under control. (Yes, the latter part was just for the drama, not based on facts. –smiles apologetically-)_

_Why Remus thinks of Tonks as a 'young and guileless' person but then treats her so brutally? – Because clearly Remus is a very very noble man with perception. He does what he thinks would ultimately be good for Tonks – that is to crash her hopes because he thinks he couldn't provide Tonks with a bright future. (which of course is not true. Go ahead, Remus!)_

_Every romance fic needs a kiss and cuddle every now and then? – nods :) Nice idea, too._

**_SorrowDemon_**_ - What I think of HBP? – Love the question. (My friends silence me every time I want to talk about it. So Finally!) I think there's too much snogging between Ron and Lavender. (But I suspect I wouldn't mind if it's Remus and Tonks snogging, haha!) Snape? I believe he's innocent, and that he only kills for the ultimate betterment of the Order, but no matter what, I still hate him. Draco? I pity him. SIRIUS? I LOVE HIM STILL though he didn't make any appearance! R.A.B.? IT HAS GOT TO BE REGULUS!_

_I hope the answers are satisfactory enough. Now, here you go. _

* * *

**3 Molly's Analysis **

Tonks glanced up at the clock briefly before she turned back to the pile of documents on her desk. Four hours had slipped away since she last paid attention to the time. Any minutes now, Williamson was going to walk to her cubicle again and persuade her to go home and take a nice rest. And she knew she just had to compromise for the sixth time that week. She knew what her colleagues had been saying behind her back, she was '_over-enthusiastic in the Auror work all of a sudden_', as they gently put it. If she was not careful enough, they might as well start to question if she had some hidden motives behind her new devotion to the job.

Tonks stacked the parchments into a neat pile on her desk hastily as Williamson glanced over at her, as though showing him she was about to leave the office without him telling her to. She thrust the pile into the drawer and shut it.

"I'll see you tomorrow," said Tonks to Savage, who was sitting in the next cubicle.

Striding across the office, she nodded at a few people courteously, her hands deep in the pockets of her cloak. Unconsciously her pace quickened with every step nearer to the exit, and to her relief, the other Aurors didn't even give her a second glance as she bypassed.

Stepping out from the lift, she soon found herself at the deserted Atrium where Apparition was allowed. But Tonks hesitated.

Having been working 15 hours daily for quite some days now, she had been so preoccupied that she didn't even have time for her mind to drift off to thinking about Remus again and she had been successful in avoiding her mother at home. Although deep down, she did miss her mother a bit, she still had no desire to face the worried woman. Making an appearance in her current state would just further trouble her mother and that's the last thing she wanted.

Mousy-brown-haired, pale-faced with puffy eyes, even Tonks could hardly recognise herself in front of the mirror. How on earth could she get away from her mother without explaining the cause of her problem in Metamorphising? By saying it's all because of Sirius's death? No good. It was only part of the truth, and it would probably lead her mother to more reminisce of Sirius. Or should Tonks spill the beans? Tell the poor woman her daughter had fallen in love with a werewolf?

No, impossible. Unprejudiced though Andromeda Tonks was, Nymphadora was uncertain how her mother would react the second she told her she hoped to spend the rest of her life with Remus Lupin.

As Tonks stopped pacing the Atrium abruptly, she made up her mind. She would go to the Burrow, where she could possibly talk to Molly Weasley, the ideal motherly figure whom she wouldn't hesitate to confess to.

In the blink of an eye, she had materialised in the lawn before the Weasleys' house. She walked quietly to the front door and knocked on it three times. Within seconds, Molly's voice emerged from behind the wooden door.

"Who's there," asked Molly. "Declare yourself."

"Molly, it's Tonks."

"Tonks? What a surprise! Come in!" said Molly warmly as she opened the door, looked at Tonks and took a step sideward to let her in. She took a glimpse of the night sky as she closed the door, registering the lateness. "Nothing is wrong, is there?" she said suddenly, sounding apprehensive.

"No, Molly," Tonks vindicated quickly, pulling off her cloak. "I just thought … I just fancy a little chat, that's all."

Molly nodded and smiled at her. Whether Molly really wasn't surprised by the abrupt change in her appearance, Tonks didn't know, but she was grateful that the matter wasn't brought under the limelight.

"Want something to eat or possibly some drink?" Molly asked, ushering Tonks into the kitchen.

"Any drink will do. Thanks, Molly," said Tonks, as she sat down on one of the chairs.

A while later, Molly returned with a pot of tea and two mugs, and set them on the table. Sitting side by side, they sipped the tea in complete silence for a whole minute until Molly broke the ice.

"You look low-spirited, dear," said Molly, looking at Tonks with a kind look. Somehow Tonks had this peculiar feeling that Molly was really looking past her physical shell deep into her soul.

"Perhaps I am," Tonks admitted.

"Because of what happened in the Ministry Headquarters?" Molly tactfully avoided mentioning the incident specifically.

"Partly, yes," Tonks nodded, staring dead ahead.

"But there's nothing you could have done to prevent it," said Molly mildly, as she refilled their mugs, "and it's about time you let the home truth sink in. Believe me, Tonks, this is an experienced woman talking, the earlier you come around to accept the reality, the easier it will be for you to relieve the misery."

"I know … but it's always easier said than done," said Tonks uncomfortably, rubbing her hands together under the table as the anxiety began to surface. She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "In fact … there's something else …" She cleared her throat. "I come here intending to talk about it."

"Go on," said Molly encouragingly, "What's it about?"

"It's about me and Remus," said Tonks, blushing slightly and looking away. But Molly was no dumb woman; out of the corners of her eyes, Tonks could see that Molly's surprised and confused countenance was soon replaced by one of comprehension. Still blushing, for a fleeting moment Tonks thought of putting a halt to the supposably painful discussion before it ever started. But then she decided she just had to get on with telling Molly or she might never be able to gather the necessary courage again.

"I confessed to Remus last week," Tonks began bravely.

It had taken Tonks about half an hour to explain to Molly from the beginning to the confession. Not once when she was talking did Molly interrupt her, and she felt a sense of gratitude towards Molly for that, because once she had started talking about it, it'd be easier to keep going. Throughout the 30 minutes, Molly had been extremely patient with her, nodding her head every now and then to show she was with her. Twice when Tonks had said _'It's not like I want it to happen, Molly!' _loudly, Molly replied _'I know_' knowledgeably and beckoned her to go on.

"Every time I think of it again, it brings me a shiver to remember the cruelty in Remus's eyes when he said to me, '_I am not ready to baby-sit you, Tonks!_' What does he think I am, Molly? A baby without brains? No, I am not a baby, and I am not a child! I am twenty three already for crying out loud! Clumsy though I am, I am an Auror! And I am also born a Metamorphmagus! You'd almost tend to think I have some redeeming qualities in myself. Just because I break something everyday doesn't necessarily mean I am an incapable person and I need looking after! I won't be a burden to anyone!" When Tonks finished finally, she was breathing heavily, and her voice was unexpectedly unstable, hoarse and bitter.

Molly touched her shoulder tentatively, but when Tonks turned to look at her, about to start grumbling again, she held up a hand to stop her. "No one thinks you aren't good enough, Tonks."

"But Molly, that's what Remus was implying. He said I was too immature for him. He told me to go find someone of my age!" said Tonks heatedly, "He thinks I am –"

"No," Molly intercepted, "I don't think that's where Remus was coming from."

"But –"

"Listen to me," said Molly firmly, squeezing Tonks's wrist gently to reinforce the importance of what she was about to say. "With all due respect, Tonks, (She met Tonks's eyes squarely) I've seen far more men than you have, having spent more than 2 decades on earth before you were ever born. And I think it's quite reasonable to assume I've got a better understanding of men in general than you have. My sense tells me that Remus Lupin isn't a man of simplicity. Whether it has anything to do with his lycanthropy or not, I am not entirely sure, but I believe it does. He has been a werewolf for most of his life … Tonks, I, like you, hold nothing against werewolf, I hope you understand that," Molly added.

"As I was saying," continued Molly patiently, "Remus has been a werewolf for most of his life; presumably he has experienced a lot more than people of the same age. Prejudice, injustice, discrimination, suspicion … you name it. In appearance, he looks cool, he looks nonchalant, but he's gradually grown into this complex person he is today … and a perceptive one, too. And it's exactly due to his empirical, if it's the word, experience that I think him unlikely to have meant what he said to you that day."

Tonks stared at Molly, slowly digesting what the other woman had said. But then she shook her head again, rubbing the mug she was holding. "What else could he have meant?" she said weakly, "He made it damn clear that I don't possess what he wants in a woman."

"Tonks, I _thought_ you should've got a better measure of Remus Lupin by now," Molly sighed, refilling Tonks's mug. "You possess a lot that he admires, but what you've yet to understand is that Remus doesn't want a woman."

"What?" Tonks choked and turned to Molly so quickly that she nearly cracked her neck. "Why?"

"Because obviously as a werewolf and with his self-despising tendency, Remus doesn't think he deserves any woman."

"Of course he deserves one," said Tonks, swallowing hard. "This werewolf identity, or whatever you call it, doesn't even affect the person he is. He can have the Wolfsbane Potion –"

Molly patted Tonks's hand in understanding. "We all think he deserves a decent woman. All along, we've always been quick in unanimously agreeing that Remus is one in his kind, you know, the gentlest werewolf that would never harm. But the crucial thing is, Remus believes otherwise, with or without the Wolfsbane Potion. He might have once or twice been on the verge of attacking, and he takes the memory to heart. He's cautious. He's careful not to let such things happen again, especially not to a fellow or a soul-mate. And I guess Remus thinks the safest means to prevent it from happening is to deny any potential relationship with a woman …"

Shifting unconsciously in her seat, Tonks didn't look up when Molly's voice tailed off. She stared down at the table; with all those Molly had just said still roaming in her mind. At one point in the discussion, she had almost brought herself to think that Molly's analysis was too theoretical, and she had had the suspicion that Molly was just saying so to console her, to make her feel better by concluding that the problem was on Remus instead of her.

However, giving it a second thought, Molly's words seemed to have called forth an infinite reliability in itself. Somehow, it sounded familiar to Tonks. Then all at once, she remembered. She could remember word by word what Sirius had said to her when she accidentally let slip that she had developed a certain liking for his friend.

"You know, Molly," said Tonks quietly, still staring at the table, "Before I confessed to Remus, before he's …" she paused, she could feel her eyes growing hot. Mentioning Sirius still brought this suffocating feeling to her. "Sirius has known I like Remus. He was the only one who knows. He encouraged me to tell Remus truthfully what I feel for him, but then he … he advised me not to expect too much in return … at least not in the short run … because he said Remus is a modest man … He said Remus is so noble to an extent that it sometimes irritates."

Molly leant closer to her. "Exactly. Sirius has always been the closest to Remus, and you've got to take his words for it. Remus is a gentleman. He would never do anything that may inflict any loss on anyone. And he regards returning your affection as a perfectly latent trigger."

"That's why he wouldn't even give me a chance," Tonks murmured under her breath, more to herself than anyone.

"You're right, dear," Molly said, grasping Tonks by the shoulder. "In saying you're too young and immature for him, what he really meant was he's too old and dangerous for you. And he ruthlessly took a rough line on this because he knows well by heart all those that surround him regard him as a harmless man, and thus, to turn you down, it must be done in the hard way."

"Now that he's determined not to fall in love, what should I do then?" Tonks turned to look at Molly hopelessly, confused. "I really want to be with him. But he told me waiting doesn't work," she added.

"Frankly, Tonks, I must admit I really don't know if Remus feels anything special towards you as of yet," whispered Molly delicately. "But trust me, waiting does work sometimes. And I believe it works on someone like Remus, because he does want to be loved, Tonks. I can see it. Sirius has always been the only one Remus would unreservedly commit to. And now he's gone, Remus is in dire need of someone to fill this hole in his soul that was once occupied by Sirius."

"So you think I should stay firm in my stance and show him I am determined?" asked Tonks.

"Yes, that's what I think. However –" Molly looked into her eyes, "you should anticipate that a lot of obstacles will arise. Remus is good at making excuses. And the first excuse I expect him to make, even if he eventually discovers he feel the same towards you, is going to concern your mother."

"My mother is fair, she would understand…" said Tonks weakly, as though she wasn't sure if she sincerely believed what she was saying. "And I could always persuade her to –"

"Another thing you've got to understand, Tonks, is that the only thing that matters in the decision-making process is people's expectations. Whether Andromeda really minds or not has no influence on Remus whatsoever, what matters is whether Remus thinks she mind, which he probably does. You'll have a tough time convincing him otherwise and you will possibly find your effort in vain."

Tonks didn't say anything. Something in Molly's tone persuaded her that when they were talking about Andromeda, the mother of seven children was attempting to make Tonks understand that it's in every mum's fibre to ensure her child was provided with the best, and thus, it's completely reasonable that a woman should be more critical when it came to weighing a potential child-in-law.

"Remus and Mad-Eye are coming for dinner on the weekend," said Molly, observing her. "I'll have a serious word with Remus then."

"No!" said Tonks immediately. Her tone softened as she realised she had sounded too rude. "Please don't."

"Are you sure?"

Tonks nodded.

"Then are you coming?"

Tonks shook her head slowly. Sensing the desperation, Molly relived the young woman of the trouble of repeating her answer.

"Okay. But there's something I've been wanting you to promise me right from the beginning…" said Molly tenderly, however, with an intense penetrating expression.

"What?"

"First and foremost, you've to think over it again _really_ seriously. Remus has a reason to believe you're rushing to decisions. Youngsters these days…" Molly shook her head, "Instead of asking yourself _would you regret not doing it should you die in the next second_, what you should ask yourself is this: _if there's no war, would you still make the same decision? _If the answer is yes, go on with it. But if the answer is no –"

"Yes, I like Remus and I really want to be with him," Tonks interrupted.

"Like all other young people, you're too impetuous, dear," said Molly and patted Tonks slightly on the head. "Spend some more time on thinking about it before you arrive at a final conclusion."

Before Tonks could make a response, there was three knocks on the backdoor. Molly glanced up at the Weasleys' Clock hastily and saw Arthur's hand was still pointing at _mortal peril_.

"Who could it possibly be?" Molly whispered with a furrow as she walked to the backdoor. Staring down at the table thoughtfully again, Tonks clutched the large mug in both her hands, and watched as the tea whirled on its accord. Seconds later, she could hear a male's voice, which she could recognise as Albus Dumbledore's.

"… Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected," Dumbledore was saying to Molly, "Harry's doing, of course. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"

Tonks looked up; saw that Molly had re-entered the kitchen in the company of Dumbledore and Harry. All the faces in the kitchen were now focused on her. "Hello Professor," she said to the old man, "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hi, Tonks," said Harry casually.

Tonks forced a smile and he smiled back. She looked away, but she could feel his eyes still on her, scrutinising her curiously and probably wondering what brought the sudden absence of her customary hair shade of bubblegum pink. She felt a bit uneasy under both his and Dumbledore's glances. Perhaps it's about time for her to go.

"I'd better be off," she said quickly, standing up and pulling her cloak around her shoulders. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."

"Please don't leave on my account," said Dumbledore courageously, maybe he had sensed her nervousness in his presence. "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

"No, no, I need to get going," said Tonks, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes. "'Night –"

"Dear," said Molly, asking for a second time, while something meaningful flickered in her eyes, "why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming –?"

"No, really, Molly … thanks anyway … goodnight everyone."

Tonks hurried past Dumbledore and Harry into the yard; a few paces beyond the doorstep, she turned on the spot, vanished into thin air and reappeared in the garden in front of her parents' house.

She walked up to the front door carefully, making sure she wouldn't waken her parents. Reaching the second landing of the staircase, she slipped into her bedroom and closed the door behind her soundlessly. Without even untying her cloak, she collapsed on her bed. For the greater part of that night, she didn't sleep. She just stared at the ceiling and kept asking herself the same question again and again.

_If there's no war, would she still make the same decision – to pursue a place besides Remus Lupin?_

* * *

**_A/N: This chapter is boring, I know. But I think it has to be done. And I hope it has improved from the previous ones. Now PLEASE REVIEW! As usual, please comment honestly and don't hesitate to ask questions if the chapter confuses you. I'll try my best to answer them._**


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